Do you find yourself battling internal conflicts from time to time? One day you are so determined to go on a diet and the next moment you find yourself indulging in a sinful molten lava cake *with vanilla ice-cream of course!
Yah, i have those moments… frequently. At first I blamed it on the lack of self-discipline, but I soon discover things are just a little more complex than what I assumed. I discover that a human being is extremely complicated, not only in terms of physical make up, but psychological functions as well. We have emotions we display freely, emotions we hide behind a mask, emotions so painful we sweep under the carpet and emotions so buried we forget they exist.
How do I know our emotions are so complexed? Well, think of an incident that hurt you real bad. Can you tell us what happened? I am sure you can tell the story as if it happened yesterday. With this, I know it is possible for us to have our emotions, memories, believe systems, judgements, learned behaviours and attitudes stuck from the past that may be in conflict with the ones we have currently.
I am still in the process of discovering how these conflicts form and why they don’t all just merge into one consistent unit. Well, so far I am guessing it is due to a person’s survival instincts that his/her personality splits into parts for different functions. (example, the working side of us, the partying side of us, the romantic side of us…)
I learned that everyone has three basic parts: the functional self, the protecting self and the emotional self. The functional self is also commonly known as our mask, the public self. The protecting part of ourselves is the survivor, the part that instinctively prevents ourselves from being hurt and move on from traumatic incidents. Lastly, the emotional self is the raw version of ourselves dealing with how we really feel, the one holding up all the pain, also known as the private self.
Of course these 3 parts are just the basics and you probably already know by now. However, I come to realise that within these 3 basic parts, there can be more than 1 psychological state/attitudes.
I use to be a very carefree happy-go-lucky person, however when I turned 18 everything took a turn and I became someone who is uptight and intense. So what happened? “Ah! People change” you say, but what happened to the happy-go-lucky Grace? Did she really disappear or was she just pushed to the back because a new believe system has been adopted to make a obsolete?
Yah, I know… this blog is so abstract, is it even real? Why is it so complicated? Well, perhaps you are not so complicated, good for you! However, these are issues I deal with and my best resolution is through confronting these internal differences and accepting every part of me as just as important and has an equal say in my life. So, I randomly picked out a few major emotions of mine and list them below:
1.) Functional Grace: Thank you for keeping me sane and effective in the day to day operations.
2.) Happy-go-lucky Grace: Thank you for being positive, enjoying life, teaching me to free and that it is ok to be myself.
3.) Baby Grace: I love you and food does not equals love. Thank you for your childlikeness in my life.
4.) Sales Grace: Thank you for being passionate about your beliefs and constantly trying to influence the world for the better.
5.) Attitude Grace: Thanks for having a distinct attitude towards the various issues in life. Your strong opinions has stopped me from being a push-over, take a long hard look at things and form my own beliefs.
6.) Blue Grace: Thank you for holding up all the pain and sadness accumulated over the years that I didn’t want to deal with. You are probably very tired, I am sorry about that. I promise I will take time to deal with my pain rather than being in a rush to move on. Slowly but surely I will get in touch with those negative emotions one by one and relief you from so much burden.
7.) Protector Grace: Thank you for working so hard to keep me from being hurt, you have done so much. I do not blame you for those decisions that had negative effects in my life, I know you were doing your best. I appreciate you, you have done well!
8.) Loving Grace: Thank you for capacity to love others. Being so generous and accommodating to them even at your own expense. I know that sometimes people take advantage of your kindness and brought me pain, but I’d rather take a little pain than to be someone without a heart that’s worth more than gold.
9.) Romantic Grace: Thank you for believing that true love exist and for your relentless efforts to find it. I know it will *super* value add to my life when you do find it. My life will be so meaningful and fulfilled. Thank you also for upholding the standards of true love and not willing to settle for less. You made the right decision to end the relationships, you have not made a mistake and I commend you for your courage. I know it can be very tiring and discouraging at times, just know that I am supporting your quest always. Meanwhile, let us draw from the greatest LOVE of all who keeps us going. His grace is enough.
10.) Cute Grace: Thank you for making me laugh and other people laugh. You are a good source of entertainment from God, bestowed to this world as a gift. I will never want to grow out of you.
11.) Righteous Grace: Justice justice you cry! Amazing are your standards of purity, values and anger towards evil. I admire your sense of fairness and your heart for the marginalised. Thank you for trying to bring justice to my world and upholding your values. Trust Him who is the ultimate vindicator, the greatest Judge of all and may His wisdom guide us.
12.) Safety Grace: Thank you Miss Careful, your adversity to risk and danger has kept my life safe. Your rules and regulations, your formalities has also served me well in my life. Although sometimes you are too hard on yourself and me, I pray your standards be realigned to the standards of the Kingdom and not of this world. The prim and proper prude some say you are, to me, it is a much better label than a slut or a whore! *I know I shouldn’t use those words. 😛
13.) Diva Grace: Thank you for adding so much LIFE into my life. Taking me to parties, putting me on stage, being so fashionable and in with the crowd. Because of you, I was never the one left out, never the awkward kid, never the one who is without friends. You have brought so much joy in my life! Even though you took a big hit in the USA, i want you to know, you have never lost your edge. You are always the popular girl that draws attention, on earth as it is in heaven!
14.) Dreamer Grace: Thank you for dreaming. Never ever stop dreaming. Yes, many has seen you as a scatter brain, but you just have to stay true to those dreams that God has given you. I believe God is able to revive the dreams that have died. He who planted the dreams in you, is faithful and just to fulfil it. Don’t stress!
15.) The True Grace: (not in the photo) Man! It is tough to deal with all these personalities since the values don’t always agree. I am thankful to be managing so well so far and growing from glory to glory. I have to be more patient with myself and constantly check back to make sure I am balanced, whole and at peace with every part of me. Good job Grace!!
So next time I see a molten lava cake in front of me, instead of restricting myself saying “no Grace, you cannot eat that cake”, I will just reason it out with Baby Grace, “do you really need that cake? Can that make you feel loved?”. Usually the answer is not cake. So, in conclusion… Baby Grace understands, Diva Grace gets to diet and I am happy. *peace*